1 - A CHRISTMAS TRADITION
This is for all of us who ever wondered why.......................
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip but there were problems everywhere.Four of his elves got sick and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of falling being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mom was coming to visit.
This stressed Santa even more.When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress.
Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor and there was nothing to drink.In his frustration he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found that the mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cursed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day?I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"
Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree
2 - POLITICALLY CORRECT NIGHT BEFORE XMAS !
A Politically Correct Version of: A Visit From St. Nicholas
by C. Moore
T'was the nocturnal segment of the diurnal period preceding the annual Yuletide celebration, and throughout our place of residence, kinetic activity was not in evidence among the possessors of this potential, including the species of domestic rodent known as Mus Musculus.
Hosiery was meticulously suspended from the forward edge of the wood-burning caloric apparatus pursuant to our anticipatory pleasure regarding an imminent visitation from an eccentric philanthropist among whose folkloric appellations is the honorific title of Saint Nicholas.
The prepubescent siblings, comfortably ensconced in their respective accommodations of repose, were experiencing subconscious visual hallucinations of variegated fruit confections moving rhythmically through their cerebrums.
My conjugal partner and I, attired in our nocturnal head coverings were about to take slumberous advantage of the hibernal darkness when upon the exterior portion of the grounds there ascended such a cacophony of dissonance that I felt compelled to arise with alacrity from my place of repose for the purpose of ascertaining the precise source thereof.
Hastening to the casement, I forthwith opened the barriers sealing this fenestration. Noting thereupon that the lunar brilliance without, reflected as it was on the surface of a recent crystalline precipitation,
might be said to rival that of the solar meridian itself. Thus permitting my incredulous optical sensory organs to behold a miniature airborne runnered conveyance, drawn by eight diminutive specimens of the genus Rangifer. Piloted by a minuscule aged chauffeur so ebullient and nimble that it became instantly apparent to me that he was indeed our anticipated caller.
With his ungulate motive power traveling at what may have been more vertiginous velocity than patriotic alar predators, he vorcified loudly, expelled breath musically through contracted labia, and addressed each of the octet by his or her respective cognomen: "Now Dasher, now Dancer", et al.,
Guiding them to the uppermost exterior level of our abode, through which structure I could readily distinguish the concatenations of each of the 32 cloven pedal extremities. As I retracted my cranium from its erstwhile location, and was performing a 180 degree pivot, our distinguished visitant achieved -- with utmost celerity and via a downward leap -- entry by the way of the smoke passage.
He was clad entirely in animal pelts soiled by the ebon residue from oxidations of carboniferous fuels which had accumulated on the walls thereof. His resemblance to a street vendor I attributed largely to the plethora of assorted playthings which he bore dorsally in a commodious cloth receptacle. His orbs were scilliant with reflected luminosity, while his submaxillary dermal indentations gave every evidence of engaging amiability.
The capillaries of his molar regions and nasal protuberance were engorged with blood which suffused in subcutaneous layers, the former approximating the coloration of Albion's floral emblem, the later that of the Prunus Avium, or Sweet Cherry.
His amusing sub- and supra-labials resembled nothing so much as a common loop knot, and their ambient hirsute facial adornment appeared like small tabular and columnar crystals being.
Clenched firmly between his incisors was a smoking piece whose gray fumes, forming a tenuous ellipse about his occiput, were suggestive of a decorative seasonal circlet of holly.
His visage was wider than it was high, and when he waxed audibly mirthful, his corpulent abdominal region undulated in the manner of impectinated fruit syrup in a hemispherical container.
He was, in short, neither more or less than obese, jocund, multigenarial gnome, the optical perception of whom rendered me visibly frolicsome despite every effort to refrain from so being.
By rapidly lowering and then elevating one eyelid and rotating his head to one side he indicated that trepidation on my part was groundless.
Without utterance and with dispatch, he commenced filling the afore-mentioned hosiery with various of the afore-mentioned articles of merchandise extracted from his afore-mentioned previously dorsally transported cloth receptacle.
Upon completion of his task, he executed an abrupt about face, placed a singular manual digit in lateral juxtaposition to his olfactory organ, inclined his cranium forward in a gesture of leave-taking, and forthwith effected his egress by renegotiating, in reverse, the smoke passage.
He propelled himself in short vector onto his conveyance, directed a musical expulsion of air through his contracted oral sphincter to the antlered quadrupeds of burden, and proceeded to soar aloft in a movement hithro observable chiefly among the seed-bearing portions of a common weed.
But I overheard his parting exclamation, audibly immediately prior to his vahiculation beyond the limits of visibility: "Ecstatic Yuletide to the planetary constituency, and to that self-same assemblage, my sincerest wishes for a salubriously beneficial and gratifyingly pleasurable period between sunset and dawn!"
3 - POLITICALLY CORRECT SANTA
'Twas the night before Christmas and Santa's a wreck...
How to live in a world that's politically correct?
His workers no longer would answer to "Elves",
"Vertically Challenged" they were calling themselves.
And labor conditions at the north pole
Were alleged by the union to stifle the soul.
Four reindeer had vanished, without much propriety,
Released to the wilds by the Humane Society.
And equal employment had made it quite clear
That Santa had better not use just reindeer.
So Dancer and Donner, Comet and Cupid,
Were replaced with 4 pigs, and you know that looked stupid!
The runners had been removed from his sleigh;
The ruts were termed dangerous by the E.P.A.
And people had started to call for the cops
When they heard sled noises on their roof-tops.
Second-hand smoke from his pipe had his workers quite frightened.
His fur trimmed red suit was called "Unenlightened."
And to show you the strangeness of life's ebbs and flows:
Rudolf was suing over unauthorized use of his nose
And had gone on Geraldo, in front of the nation,
Demanding millions in over-due compensation.
So, half of the reindeer were gone; and his wife,
Who suddenly said she'd enough of this life,
Joined a self-help group, packed, and left in a whiz,
Demanding from now on her title was Ms.
And as for the gifts, why, he'd ne'er had a notion
That making a choice could cause so much commotion.
Nothing of leather, nothing of fur,
Which meant nothing for him. And nothing for her.
Nothing that might be construed to pollute.
Nothing to aim. Nothing to shoot.
Nothing that clamored or made lots of noise.
Nothing for just girls. Or just for the boys.
Nothing that claimed to be gender specific.
Nothing that's warlike or non-pacific.
No candy or sweets...they were bad for the tooth.
Nothing that seemed to embellish a truth.
And fairy tales, while not yet forbidden,
Were like Ken and Barbie, better off hidden.
For they raised the hackles of those psychological
Who claimed the only good gift was one ecological.
No baseball, no football...someone could get hurt;
Besides, playing sports exposed kids to dirt.
Dolls were said to be sexist, and should be passe;
And Nintendo would rot your entire brain away.
So Santa just stood there, disheveled, perplexed;
He just could not figure out what to do next.
He tried to be merry, tried to be gay,
But you've got to be careful with that word today.
His sack was quite empty, limp to the ground;
Nothing fully acceptable was to be found.
Something special was needed, a gift that he might
Give to all without angering the left or the right.
A gift that would satisfy, with no indecision,
Each group of people, every religion;
Every ethnicity, every hue,
Everyone, everywhere...even you.
So here is that gift, it's price beyond worth...
"May you and your loved ones enjoy peace on this earth."
4 - AN ATTORNEY'S VIEW OF THE NIGHT BEFORE XMAS.
This is what "The Night Before Christmas" would have looked like if it was "drafted" by a real estate lawyer:
THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
Whereas, on or about the night prior to Christmas, there did occur at a certain improved piece of real property (hereinafter "the House") a general lack of stirring by all creatures therein, including, but not limited to a mouse.
A variety of foot apparel, e.g. stocking, socks, etc., had been affixed by and around the chimney in said House in the hope and/or belief that St. Nick a/k/a/ St. Nicholas a/k/a/ Santa Claus (hereinafter "Claus") would arrive at sometime thereafter.
The minor residents, i.e. the children, of the aforementioned Housewere located in their individual beds and were engaged in nocturnal hallucinations, i.e. dreams, wherein vision of confectionery treats, including, but not limited to, candies, nuts and/or sugar plums, did dance, cavort and otherwise appear in said dreams.
Whereupon the party of the first part (sometimes hereinafter referred to as "I"), being the joint-owner in fee simple of the House with the parts of the second part (hereinafter "Mama"), and said Mama had retired for a sustained period of sleep. (At such time, the parties were clad in various forms of headgear, e.g. kerchief and cap.)
Suddenly, and without prior notice or warning, there did occur upon the unimproved real property adjacent and appurtenant to said House, i.e. the lawn, a certain disruption of unknown nature, cause and/or circumstance. The party of the first part did immediately rush to a window in the House to investigate the cause of such disturbance.
At that time, the party of the first part did observe, with some degree of wonder and/or disbelief, a miniature sleigh (hereinafter "the Vehicle") being pulled and/or drawn very rapidly through the air by approximately eight (8) reindeer. The driver of the Vehicle appeared to be and in fact was, the previously referenced Claus.
Said Claus was providing specific direction, instruction and guidance to the approximately eight (8) reindeer and specifically identified the animal co-conspirators by name: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer,
Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen (hereinafter "the Deer"). (Upon information and belief, it is further asserted that an additional co-conspirator named "Rudolph" may have been involved.)
The party of the first part witnessed Claus, the Vehicle and the Deer intentionally and willfully trespass upon the roofs of several residences located adjacent to and in the vicinity of the House, and noted that the Vehicle was heavily laden with packages, toys and other items of unknown origin or nature. Suddenly, without prior invitation or permission, either express or implied, the Vehicle arrived at the House, and Claus entered said House via the chimney.
Said Claus was clad in a red fur suit, which was partially covered with residue from the chimney, and he carried a large sack containing a portion of the aforementioned packages, toys, and other unknown items.
He was smoking what appeared to be tobacco in a small pipe in blatant violation of local ordinances and health regulations.
Claus did not speak, but immediately began to fill the stocking of the minor children, which hung adjacent to the chimney, with toys and other small gifts. (Said items did not, however, constitute "gifts" to said minor pursuant to the applicable provisions of the US Tax Code.)
Upon completion of such task, Claus touched the side of his nose and flew, rose and/or ascended up the chimney of the House to the roof where the Vehicle and Deer waited and/or served as "lookouts." Claus immediately departed for an unknown destination.
However, prior to the departure of the Vehicle, Deer and Claus from said House, the party of the first part did hear Claus state and/or exclaim: "Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night!" Or words to that effect.
5 - 'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE SOLSTICE
'Twas the night before solstice and all through the co-op
Not a creature was messing the calm status quo up
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
Dreaming of lentils and warm whole-grain breads.
We'd welcome the winter that day after school
By dancing and drumming and burning the Yule,
A more meaningful gesture to honor the planet
Than buying more trinkets for Mom or Aunt Janet,
Or choosing a tree just to murder and stump it
And dree it all up like a seasonal stumpet.
My lifemate and I, having turned down the heat,
Slipped under the covers for a well-deserved sleep,
When from out on the lawn there came such a roar
I fell from mu futon and rolled to the floor.
I crawled to the window and pulled back the latch,
And muttered, "Aw, where is that Neighborhood Watch?"
I saw there below through the murk of the night
A sleigh and eight reindeer of nonstandard height.
At the reins of that sleigh sat a mean-hearted knave
Who treated each deer like his persunal slave.
I'd seen him before in some ads for car loans,
Plus fast food and soft drinks and cellur phones.
He must have cashed in from his mercantile chores,
Since self-satisfaction just oozed from his pores.
He called each be name, as if he were right
To treat them like humans, entrenching his might:
"Now Donder, now Blitzen," and other such aliases,
Showing his true Eurocentrical biases.
With a snap of his fingers, away they all flew,
Like lumberjacks served up a plate of tofu.
Up to the rooftop they carried the sleigh
(The holes in the shingles are there to this day).
Out bounded the man, who went straight to the flue.
I knew in an instant just what I should do.
After donning my slippers, downstairs did I dash
To see this trespasser emerge from the ash.
His clothes were all covered with soot, but of course,
From our wood-fueled alternative energy source.
Through the grime I distinguished the make of his duds-
He was dressed all in fur, fairly dripping with blood.
"We're a cruelty-free house!" I proclaimed with such heat
He was startled and tripped on the logs at his feet.
He stood back up dazed, but with mirth in his eyes.
It was then that I noticed his unhealthy size.
He was almost as wide as when standing erect,
A lover of fatty fried foods, I suspect.
But that wasn't all to make sane persuns choke:
In his teeth sat a pipe that was belching out smoke!
I could scarcely believe what invaded our house.
This carcinogenic and overweight louse
Was so red in the face from his energy spent,
I expected a heart attack right here and then.
Behind him he toted a red velvet bag
Full to exploding with sinister swag.
He asked, "Where is your tree?" with a face somewhat long.
I said, "Out in the yard, which is where it belongs."
"But where will I put all the presents I've brought?"
I looked at him squarely and said, "Take the lot
"To some frivolous people who think they need
To succumb to the sickness of commerce and greed,
"Whose only joy comes from the act of consuming,
Thus sending the stock of the retailers booming."
He blinked and said, "Ho, ho, ho! But you're kidding."
I gave him a stare that was stern and forbidding.
"Surely children need something with which to have fun?
It's like childhood's over before it's begun."
He looked in my eyes for some sign of assent,
But I strengthened my will and refused to relent.
"They have plenty of fun," I cut to the gist,
"And your mindless distractions have never been missed.
"They take CPR so that they can save lives,
And go door-to-door for the clothing drives.
"They recycle, renew, reuse-and reveal
For saving the planet a laudable zeal.
"When they padlock themselves to a fence to protest
Against nuclear power we think they're the best."
He said, "But they're children-lo, when do they play?"
I countered, "Is that why you've driven your sleigh.
"To bring joy to the hearts of each child and tot?
All right, open your bag: let's see what you've got."
He sheepishly did as I'd asked and behold!
A Malibu Barbie in a skirt made of gold.
"You think that my girls will like playing with this,
An icon of sexist, consumerist kitsch?
"With its unnatural figure and airheaded grin,
This trollop make every girl yearn to be thin,
"And take up fad diets and binging and purging
Instead of respecting her own body's urging
"To welcome the shape that her body had found
And rejoice to be lanky, short, skinny, or round."
Deep in his satchel he searched for a toy,
Saying, "This is a hit with most little boys."
And what did he put in my trembling hand
But a gun from the BrainBlasters Power Command!
"It's a 'hit' to be sure," I sneered in his face,
"And a plague to infect the whole human race!
"How 'bout grenades or some working bazookas
To turn all of our kids into half-wit palookas?"
I seized on his bag just to see for myself
The filth being spread by this odious elf.
An Easy-Bake Oven- ah, goddness, what perfidy!
To hoodwink young girls into household captivity!
Plus an archery play set with shafts that fly out,
The very thing needed to put your eye out.
And toy metal tractors, steam shovels, and cranes
For tearing down woodlands and scarring the plains,
Plus "games" like Monopoly, Pay Day, Tycoon,
As if lessons in greed can't start up too soon.
And even more weapons from BrainBlasters Co.,
Like cannons and nunchucks and ray guns that glow.
That's all I could find in his red velvet sack-
Perverseness and mayhem to set us all back.
(But I did find one book that caused me to ponder-
Some fine bedtime tales by a fellow named Garner.)
"We need none of this," I announced in a huff,
"No 'business-as-usual' holiday stuff.
"We sow in our offspring more virtue than this.
Your 'toys' offer some things they never will miss."
The big man's expression was a trifle bereaved
As he shouldered his pack and got ready to leave.
"I pity the kids who grow up around here,
who've never permitted to be of good cheer,
"Who aren't allowed leisure for leisure's own sake,
But must fret every minute- it makes my heart break!"
"Enough histrionics! Don't pity our kids
If they don't do as Macy's or Toys 'R' Us bids.
"They live by their principles first and foremost
And know what's important," to him did I boast.
"Pray, could I meet them?" "Oh no, they're not here.
They're up on the roof, liberating your deer!"
Then Santa Claus sputtered and pointed his finger
But, mad as he was, he had no time to linger.
He flew up the chimmney like smoke from a fire,
And up on the rooftop I heard voices get higher.
I ran outside the co-op to see him react
To my children's responsible, kindhearted act.
He chased them away, and disheartened, dismayed,
He rehitched her reindeer (who'd docilely stayed).
I watched with delight as he scooted off then.
He'd be too embarrassed to come back again.
But with parting disdain, do you know what he said,
When this overweight huckster took off in his sled?
This reindeer enslaver, this expoiter of elves?
"Happy Christmas to all, but get over yourselves!"
6 - 'TWAS THE DAY AFTER CHRISTMAS
Twas the day after Christmas, and all through the house,
Every creature was hurtin' even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the floor,
while Upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like a fox.
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target's and Mervyn's.
To the tip or your limit, every store, every mall,
Now chargeaway--chargeaway--chargeaway all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great holiday cheer,
"ENJOY WHAT YOU BOUGHT .YOU'LL BE PAYING ALL YEAR!"
7 - SANTA GOES TECH TRACK
'Twas the night before recess and all through the House
Not a PC was working, not even a mouse.
Each techie was stymied, with glassy-eyed stare
For they knew that the Congressmen soon would be there.
I'd gone on vacation from running their LAN
(It was working - I promise - when my time off began)
So my kitties and I, in our one-bedroom hovel
Had just settled down with our favorite novel.
When right by the nightstand arose such a clatter
I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.
Ny beeper, computer, and cellular modem
Had sung out at once, a real sign of forebodin'.
I shut them all off as I answered the phone.
"Hey, what's the matter? Not the network?", I groaned.
Boss said, "It's a crisis, your PCs all blew!
"Fix them tonight or sweetheart, you're through."
Christmas or not, his threats were so dire,
I rushed to Cap Hill in a squealing of tire,
Storming in as the help desk was just storming out.
Sure 'nuff, they told me, my job was in doubt.
"We've booted and programmed, we've reinstalled Windows,
We've vacummed and schpritzed 'til each PC glows.
And still, with all that, the damned error's the same -
Still 'Server not found' when we type log-in names."
"We've run," sighed the tech, "all tests diagnostic'ly.
"You've killed the LAN dead," he said very caustic'ly.
Me fled through the door but maliciously paused:
"You don't want a help desk, you want Santa Claus."
"Of course!" I exclaimed, "I'll get on the phone!"
"I'll call the North Pole, see if anyone's home."
A half-hour later the old elf drove 'round
In a brigth red Ferrari that had the top down.
Red pocket protector all trimmed in white fur
And reindeer-hide boots with platinum spur
Were all that remained of his former persona.
"I'm TechGuru now," said Rudolf's ex-owner.
Me examined the server with studious gloom,
Then punted the system halfway 'cross the room.
"I rebooted your server," he said with a shrug.
"The problem's quite simple - its switch had a bug."
The Congressmen cheered as their PCs awoke,
But I saw Santa's bill and started to choke.
"You've got to be kidding," I said feeling sick.
"Two thousand dollars for one well-place kick?"
"You called me, I fixed it, now pay up," he said,
"Or I'll virus your LAN and you'll wish you were dead."
Mis cold elvish eyses as he twisted his head
Wade the server blink weakly. My soul filled with dread.
I spoke not a word, wrote a check for his work
Which he pocketed quickly and sneered, the old jerk.
"Delivering toys - what a moneyless bore!
"Now it's five hundred bucks just to walk through your door."
Me sprang to his car, to Newt Gingrich he whistled,
And away our check flew like the down from a thistle.
A help desk is fine, when your PC is dead
But to troubleshoot LANs takes a Santa instead.
8 - CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR PSYCHIATRICALLY CHALLENGED SCHIZOPHRENIA
Do you Hear What I Hear?
MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER
We Three Queens Disoriented Are
DEMENTIA
I Think I'll Be Home for Christmas
NARCISSISTIC
Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
MANIC
Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...
PARANOID
Santa Claus is Coming to Get Me.
PERSONALITY DISORDER
You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll tell you Why.
DEPRESSION
Silent Anedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All is Flat, All is Lonely.
OBSESSIVE-COMPULSIVE DISORDER
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell Rock,
Jingle Bell, Jingle Bell,
Jingle Bell Rock............(better start again)
PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE PERSONALITY
On the First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave to Me (and then took it all away).
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER
Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.
9 - BESTAAT DE KERSTMAN ECHT ?
1. Er zijn geen bekende rendieren die kunnen vliegen. Wel zijn er op deze aarde ongeveer 300.000 verschillende vliegende wezens bekend.
De meeste van deze levende organismen zijn insecten. De rendieren van de kerstman vertonen geen enkele overeenkomst met deze insecten op deze essentiele punten (grootte, vleugels etc.)
2. Er zijn ongeveer 2.000.000.000 kinderen (= personen onder de 18 jaar) op deze wereld. Omdat de kerstman niet bij moslim, joodse, hindoestaanse en boeddistische kinderen komt is de werkdruk gedaald met 85% tot 378.000.000 kinderen (bron: population reference bureau).
Met een gemiddelde van 3,5 kind per huishouden komt dit neer op 91.800.000 te bezoeken huizen. (Aannemende dat er tenminste 1 lief kind per huishouden is).
3. De Kerstman heeft, er vanuitgaande dat hij van oost naar west werkt, 31 uur om op Kerstavond te werken, omdat er verschillende tijdzones zijn en omdat de aarde draait. Daarom moet hij 822.6 bezoeken per seconde afleggen, wat betekent dat de Kerstman voor 1 huishouden 0,001 seconde heeft om zijn slee te parkeren, uit te stappen, door de al dan niet aanwezige schoorsteen te klimmen, de sokken te vullen, de rest van de cadeaus onder de boom te leggen, het klaargelegde lekkers op te eten, door de schoorsteen terug te klimmen, in de slee te springen en naar het volgende huis te gaan.
4. Aannemende dat er van deze 91.800.000 stops willekeurig verspreid over de wereld liggen praten we over gemiddeld 1,25 kilometer reisafstand per huishouden. Dit betekent dat de gemiddelde snelheid van de slee ongeveer 3.000.000 km per uur moet zijn. Ter vergelijking dit is 3.000 keer de snelheid van het geluid en bedenk daarbij dat het snelste op het land levende rendier een snelheid heeft van ongeveer 24 km per uur.
Bovenstaande houdt geen rekening met de stops om te poepen, plassen of te eten wat elk normaal mens en dier doet.
5. De bepakking van de slee is een ander interessant element. Als ieder kind niet meer krijgt dan een doosje LEGO, dan weegt de slee zo'n 321.000 ton zonder het gewicht van de Kerstman zelf. Op land kan een normaal rendier ongeveer 150 kilo dragen. Er vanuit gaande dat een vliegend rendier (zie punt 1) 10 maal zoveel kan dragen kan de kerstman het werk niet aan met 8 of 9 rendieren, maar zijn er 214.000 nodig. Dit brengt het totale gewicht van de slee op 353.430 ton.
6. 353.430 ton vervoeren met een snelheid van 3.000.000 km per uur roept een ander probleem op namelijk de luchtweerstandverschillen galgje!). Hierdoor zullen de rendieren verbranden op dezelfde manier als meteorieten die in onze aardse atmosfeer terechtkomen. Het voorste rendierenpaar zal hierdoor miljarden joules aan energie te absorberen krijgen, per seconde voor de goede orde. Zij zullen dus onmiddellijk verbranden en een oorverdovende knal (geluidsbarriere) achterlaten, waardoor het tweede paar het voorste paar wordt. De gehele rendierenpopulatie zal in 0.00426 seconde verdampt zijn. De kerstman zal blootstaan aan middelpuntvliedende krachten die ongeveer 17.500 keer groter zijn dan de zwaartekracht. Een 125 kilo wegende kerstman (wat mij belachelijk slank lijkt) zal hierdoor tegen de achterkant van de sleeworden gedrukt met een kracht van 2.157.508 kilo.
Conclusie: als de kerstman ooit een keer pakjes bezorgde op kerstavond is hij nu DOOD!
M.vr.gr.
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